How Purity Culture Stole Joy from a Generation of Christian Women

Some Christian women—or those who’ve moved away from the faith they once held so dearly—find that things start to feel clearer when perspectives start to shift and they see the world through new eyes.

Clear, yes. But also painful. Grieving. Sometimes gut-wrenching.

Millennials and Gen X especially grew up during a time when the church was obsessed with sexual purity. But let’s be honest: it was an obsession aimed almost entirely at girls and women. We were told it was our responsibility to keep “our brothers in Christ” clean. Which really meant: stay small. Stay covered. Stay silent. Don't cause someone else to stumble. Don't be too much.

Meanwhile, the double standards were glaring—and rampant. Boys were “just being boys.” LGBTQ folks weren’t even part of the conversation. The message seemed loud and clear: this wasn't about holiness. It was about control.

What is Purity Culture?

For those unfamiliar, purity culture is a subculture within evangelical Christianity that places extreme emphasis on sexual abstinence before marriage, modesty (usually only for girls), and gender roles rooted in submission and control. It became especially prominent in the '90s and early 2000s, fueled by books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye, purity rings, and church events that equated your virginity to things like chewed gum, used tape, or a crumpled rose.

Romantic, huh?

For those of us raised in it, we sometimes wish we hadn’t known it at all.

Because sure, some of the stories are silly now—almost comical in their absurdity: Like the time a male friend asked my husband to “please tell your wife to go home and change” because the inch-thick tank top strap I was wearing was “causing him to stumble. (Spoiler alert: I didn’t go home. And yes, I've been called Jezebel one too many times—bad theology, by the way.)

But some of the stories aren’t funny. Some are heavy. Therapy-heavy.

• The girl who was assaulted, became pregnant, and suddenly became the talk of the youth group—not because she was hurt, but because of what she was wearing. Because she was “flirtatious.” Because somehow, they said, she should’ve known better.

• The girl who shared her first kiss and was told she was now “soul tied” to that person forever. That her future husband would feel her sins in bed every single time.

• The single woman who was excommunicated for being sexually active—while the men she slept with kept leading worship, teaching, holding power.

• The girl who was sexually abused by a father, uncle, grandfather—and then sat in church pews being told she was impure. That if she hadn’t been “so pretty,” it wouldn’t have happened. That it was, in some twisted way, her fault.

This is what purity culture does. It creates systems that reward silence, prioritize male comfort, and teach women to carry shame that never belonged to them.

And It Hurt LGBTQ+ Kids, Too

If you were queer in purity culture, you were often completely erased. There was no space for your identity. No room to explore what it meant to be a person of faith and a person who didn’t fit the heteronormative mold.

You were left out of the group chat entirely—except maybe for the part where someone prayed over you to “fix you.”

Many LGBTQ+ folks were told their sexuality was a sin to be "purified" away. So they buried it. Or tried. And the fallout from that—mental health struggles, self-hatred, even suicidal ideation—is something that still reverberates through so many of their stories today.

Purity Culture Hurt Men Too

It’s not just women and LGBTQ+ folks who got hurt here. Men were told they were basically animals—beasts unable to control themselves. They were taught to fear their own bodies, to see women as temptations, and to link their worth to conquest or control.

Pleasure? Emotional connection? Consent? Purity culture didn’t have much room for that.

So men grew up feeling shame too. Feeling broken. Feeling like they had to "conquer sin" rather than cultivate healthy, loving intimacy. That does real damage.

Purity Culture and Trauma

PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a mental health condition listed in the DSM-5. It can develop after exposure to deeply disturbing or traumatic events. Symptoms can include flashbacks, anxiety, hypervigilance, emotional numbness, guilt, and avoidance of triggers.

Religious trauma—including that born from purity culture—can mirror these symptoms. Many women and queer folks experience:

• Panic attacks when setting physical boundaries

• Deep fear or guilt around sexual intimacy, even in safe relationships

• Dissociation during sex

• Self-hatred, low self-worth, and difficulty trusting their bodies

• Intrusive thoughts about “being dirty” or “used”

This is real trauma. And it’s time we named it.

Thief of Joy

Let’s call it what it is: constantly living with your head on a swivel is a joy-killer.

When you’re raised to believe it’s your job to prevent someone else’s temptation, you stop living in your body and start managing it like a liability. You monitor your words, your clothes, your facial expressions, your tone, even your posture—just to make sure you aren’t “inviting” attention. That constant internal surveillance? It trains your nervous system to live in a chronic state of fight, flight, or freeze.

You’re not relaxed. You’re not present. You’re not free to experience joy—because your body doesn’t feel safe enough to even access it.

Joy can’t exist where hypervigilance lives.

From a nervous system perspective, this is called sympathetic arousal—your brain perceives a threat (even if it’s just perceived judgment or disapproval), and your body gears up to protect you. Over time, this can show up as:

• Chronic anxiety or panic

• Digestive issues

• Sleep disturbances

• Emotional numbness

• Muscle tension or headaches

• A sense of feeling “disconnected” from your body

You might not even know it’s happening. You’ve just always felt a little on edge, a little too much or not enough, like you’re playing a role that doesn’t quite fit—but you have no idea how to stop.

And the saddest part? Joy needs a regulated nervous system. It needs safety. Play. Connection. Presence. But purity culture often strips all that away and replaces it with self-doubt and shame.

This doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your body was doing exactly what it was supposed to do—protecting you in an environment that demanded perfection without giving you peace.

You're Not Broken—You're Healing

If any of this has stirred something in you—a memory, a truth, a quiet ache you’ve carried for too long—please know: you’re not alone. What happened to you was not your fault. And the shame you’ve been carrying? It was never yours to begin with.

You deserve a space where your story is safe.

You deserve to feel at home in your body again.

You deserve joy.

If you’re ready to begin (or continue) your healing, I’d be honored to walk with you. I offer therapy for women, exvangelicals, LGBTQ+ folks, and anyone unpacking the spiritual wounds of purity culture and religious trauma.

You can schedule a free 15-minute consultation right here—no pressure, no expectations. Just a gentle first step toward coming home to yourself.